Lucas’s Quest of 117 Tasks to Become a Smasher!
by Hoogiman
Summary: In order to become a smasher, Lucas must complete 117 perilous tasks set by Master Hand! Task Four: Lucas goes to the dentist!
1. Lucas gets glued to the ceiling!

_Lucas's Perilous Quest of 117 Tasks to Become a Smasher!  
By Hoogiman_

_Chapter One_

Lucas had only one goal in life: an ambitious but nonetheless straightforward one. As a young child, he would run along the cornfields with great excitement as he watched the stimulating battles of the Super Smash Brothers on his wireless internet. On a laptop. After a long blow-for-blow recollection of each fight posted on his fanatical extremist smash fan blog, he would lie in his bed and fantasise whimsically about being a smasher: every young boy's fantasy and ultimate goal in life.

Or at least the fantasy of every young boy that wanted to be a smasher.

After months and months of exhausting training, rowing through tumultuous seas of gally-flimpickets and strength training on his biceps, triceps, abdominals and whimpickets, he decided that this two week training period in his life was over: he was ready to become a smasher.

Past memories of rejection and remorse pushed besides him, he paid the taxi driver and strolled peacefully in a violent manner through the grounds of the mansion. Equipped with a video compilation of him beating up drunks on the street for pocket money, he stormed into Master Hand's office and put his application tape on the table for a third time.

He was not going to face rejection. He would become a smasher. A member of the third generation of smashers: Super Smash Brothers brawl. Grinning slyly and leaning on a nearby lampshade in an astute manner, he gazed in Master Hand in a lustful manner and muttered in his masculine eight year-old voice, "I think I'm ready to become a smasher."

Master Hand, shocked that Lucas had returned, gasped gasps of shock as he saw the terrible boy return for a third time to his desk.

"Why this is simply quite an outrage!" said Master Hand angrily, fuming with anger (then again, what else could he be, fuming with _**happiness**_? No, I don't think so). "I rejected you the first and second times, why _**shouldn't**_ I reject you now?!"

"Veins in my biceps," said Lucas, pointed to green, spiky veins in his gigantic, hard, neatly-formed biceps.

"That's… …broccoli…" said Master Hand, unimpressed, wiping the broccoli off Lucas's arm. "…you… mistook broccoli for veins… how could you?!"

Lucas whimpered.

"You idiot!" criticised Master Hand, "How could you be so stupid?!"

"Please!" begged Lucas, crying, lunging onto Master Hand's knees, "I beg you! Please take me in as a smasher! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?!" said Master Hand.

"Anything!" said Lucas.

"Would you climb a hill?!"

"Anything!" said Lucas.

"Wear a daffodil?!"

"Anything!" said Lucas.

"Leave me all your will?!"

"Anything!" said Lucas.

"Even fight my Bill?!"

"Anything!" said Lucas.

"Wow… you are determined…" said Master Hand impressed.

Lucas grinned. "Can I become a smasher now?!"

"Yes, but first, you must go through a series of **one hundred and seventeen** tasks and challenges that show that you are a true smasher!" said Master Hand, triumphant music playing in the background, "These tasks will not only show your mental determination but they will train you to become one of the best fighters around!"

Lucas grinned.

"Are you ready?" said Master Hand in a wise voice, "Are you ready to become a smasher?"

"Yes!" said Lucas eagerly, "Yes I _**do**_ want to become a smasher!"

"Then let the tasks begin!" announced Master Hand.

**Task One**

"The following is a task of… um…" said Master Hand, improvising and snickering at the same time, "…courage… and… er… perseverance… oh… and motivation too!"

"Chapter one," read Master Hand to himself, holding up the book, '_117 ways to exploit and humiliate naive people who think they're going to get an important position_', "Ah, this is a good one!"

Lucas, grinning, stood half-naked in the middle of the room.

"Okay Lucas, this is the first task that we perform on all potential smashers to show if they really have the patience to um… become a…" said Master Hand, struggling for ideas.

"Become a what?" said Lucas excitedly.

"Just shut up and I'll put the glue on you," said Master Hand, pouring a barrel of industrial strength glue onto Lucas.

He picked up the glue-covered Lucas and stuck him to the roof.

"There!" said Master Hand, snickering. "…now I go and uh… assess your… patience…"

Master Hand floated off; Lucas still stuck to the roof.

"_Well… I wonder how long I'll have to stay here…_" thought Lucas to himself, grinning.

…

"_When's Master Hand going to take me down?_" asked Lucas to himself, the glue immobilising him so that he could move use his eyes.

…

"_I'm going to cry,_" thought Lucas angrily to himself, "_By golly, you all won't like it when I cry!_"

Due to the fact that all movement in his body was permanently immobilised, he couldn't cry.

"_Great…_" thought Lucas angrily.

Master Hand floated in. "Congratulations! You've passed the task!"

"_Yay!_" thought Lucas to himself, cheering… …inside his head.

"Now to get you down!" said Master Hand, floating up and attempting to pull Lucas off the ceiling.

Lucas didn't budge, being covered in glue.

"Fine… I'll call an expert…" said Master Hand, taking out his cell phone, "Hi, how much would it cost to remove a young boy glued to the roof."

"Fifty bucks?! No way!" said Master Hand, outraged.

He floated out.

"_Well if he doesn't help me, I know a kind, heartwarming soul will help me off from this roof…_" said Lucas, thinking positively.

Nobody did. For three years.

"Great," said Lucas, eternally stuck to the roof.

* * *

I'm sorry this was a complete rip-off of every fanfic ever. Think of it as fanfiction junk-food. So the reason why you're flaming this is because you know it's bad for you. But you secretly like the taste. No, actually… …you don't even like the taste.

Review, and give your suggestions for tasks Lucas must undertake in order to become a smasher!


	2. Lucas takes out five women! With a gun

"What's my next task?" queried Lucas, walking into the office with a large slab of ceiling still stuck to his back.

"You're already out?" said Master Hand angrily, "How did you get out?"

"Through the door!" said Lucas.

"But you were _glued to the ceiling_!" said Master Hand.

"So what's the next of my one hundred and seventeen tasks?" asked Lucas.

"You were _glued to the ceiling_!" said Master Hand. "How did you get down when you were _glued to the ceiling?_"

"After all, it is my lifelong dream to become a smasher and the quicker I complete my tasks-"

"Okay, your next task is to _tell me how you got off the ceiling!!!_" demanded Master Hand.

"Why, I had a chainsaw in my pocket!" said Lucas.

"Ah," said Master Hand, satisfied.

…

"Wait… but you were _glued to the ceiling_ so how did you use a chainsaw?" said Master Hand angrily.

"Does that count as a task?" said Lucas. "…explaining to you how I got off the ceiling?"

"I lied," said Master Hand.

"But a promise is a promise," said Lucas knowingly.

"People lie, it's one of the truths of life," said Master Hand, sighing. "Just like the fact that the tooth fairy isn't real!"

"YOU LIE!!!" screamed Lucas, running into the nearest bathroom and vomiting into the toilet.

"Haha, I lied…" whispered Master Hand beneath his breath, stroking the dollar the tooth fairy had given him that very morning.

**Task Two**

_Five minutes later…_

"Well," said Lucas, wiping the last of the tears from his eyes, "I am ready to hear what my second task is!"

"Oh, just take out these five people," said Master Hand, tossing Lucas a hitlist.

"What?" said Lucas.

"Take them out!" said Master Hand, sliding a gun across the table.

"But why would I need a gun on a date?" said a perplexed Lucas, taking the gun.

"Oh, ha, ha, ha!" chortled Master Hand, "you're so witty!"

…

"Now _do the dirty deeds_, Lucas, or you shall _never become a Smasher!_" cried Master Hand.

"NUUUEZ!" screamed Lucas, running off to change.

Lucas ran in, wearing his best tie and holding a bouquet. "Is this appropriate clothing for a date?"

"Hahaha, you're so witty!" chortled Master Hand. "…_**but take them out now!**_"

_At a fancy Chinese restaurant…_

(Lyn, Peach, Zelda, Samus and Amy)

"So I say," said Lucas, about to reach the punchline in his astute gentlemanly voice, "…you'd better iron out those chairs regularly, Mrs. Gregory, lest you choke on your own foot."

Lyn, Peach, Zelda, Samus and Amy chuckled heartily.

"Why, Lucas, you have such wit!" said Lyn adoringly, stroking her goatee.

"Yes, you're such a charmer!" blushed Peach.

"Indeed, I don't believe any of us fellow women have ever dated such a gentleman as you!" declared Zelda.

"Yeah, you're pretty hot too," muttered Samus.

"I'm a freaking hedgehog," said Amy sweetly.

"Yes," said Lucas, absorbing their compliments silently, "when Master Hand instructed me to 'take you all out', for a moment it seriously seemed to me as if he wished me to – to _kill_ you all!"

They all chuckled heartily.

Master Hand burst through the doors of the restaurant in a wave of fury.

"I _did_ want you to _kill them all_!" he cried loudly.

Everybody gasped.

"Oh, okay," said Lucas.

Lucas picked up the gun and skewered all five women to death with it, with a single blow. This caused severe external bleeding, as the five women's various bodily organs flowed all over the floor, oozing a most violent shade of raspberry-crimson over the dainty-white floor. Indeed, the force of the impact sent several pieces of half-eaten lamb flying from the mouth of Peach, who died the most violently of all of them, because she had a stupid name. A waitress, immensely shocked by the events of the last five seconds dropped a lobster, which proceeded to start breeding on Amy's bloody carcass.

"Yes!" cried Lucas, pumping a fist, "I completed another task! I am well on my way to _becoming a Smasher_!"

"Yes, good work," muttered Master Hand.

"By the way," Lucas said, "why did you wish them all dead?"

"How did you get down from that ceiling?" said Master Hand.

"Fine," sulked Lucas.

"Fine," sulked Master Hand.

_**

* * *

**_Ha, ha, ha, how randomly violent that was! I should certainly hope you enjoyed that chapter! Tiki suggested to me that I credit him for his assistance in the writing of this splendiferous chapter, but I refused, on account of not wanting to have this story into another Peach Viewer Mail! Yes, indeed! 

Review, and give your suggestions for tasks Lucas must undertake in order to become a smasher!


	3. Lucas assembles a table!

"Wow!" said Lucas excitedly, his entire body covered in blood, "That motiveless killing of five people was sure fun!"

"Yes, yes!" chuckled Master Hand, "I'm starting to warm to you, boy!"

"Really?" said Lucas, his eyes widening and turning into an annoying anime style.

"No," said Master Hand angrily.

…

"So, what shall the next task be?" said Lucas excitedly. "Shall it be killing another person? Setting up a table? Injecting myself with Luigi's blood? Baking a pie and using it as a tablecloth at a company picnic? Whatever it is you wish of me, I am happy to serve, sir!"

Master Hand grunted non-committally.

"What was that, sir?" said Lucas.

"Look," said Master Hand, "the investors are coming over soon, and if they see you following me around like a stupid little good-for-nothing gullible…"

He trailed off. Lucas was still looking at him eagerly.

"Well," said Master Hand, "actually, if you could set up a table for me and the investors to sit at…"

"Is that my next task, then?" said Lucas, bobbing up and down on his heels.

"Yeah, yeah, why not?" said Master Hand.

"Oh, joy! Oh, happiness!" exclaimed Lucas, visions of his soon-to-be-Smasher status blooming in his mind, as he envisioned himself 'smashing it off' with such swell compatriots as Ganondorf and that Igglybuff fellow.

"Well, go set up that table, then," said an irked Master Hand.

"Well, where is it?" asked Lucas.

"Haha,_no_," said Master Hand. "As if I'd keep a _table_ around."

"Ah," said Lucas resourcefully, "I shall then go to the store to buy a table!"

"Haha,_no,_" said Master Hand, "We do not _**buy**_ from other people in this new economic-driven society!"

Lucas stared blankly at Master Hand.

"Just freaking make a table already out of wood!" snapped Master Hand.

"Shall do!" said Lucas wittily. "I shall go to the local timber store and-"

"Oh,_no you will not_!" decried Master Hand, "for I absolutely refuse for you to spend any of _my _money!"

"But I shall use my money!" said Lucas.

"Not anymore! All of your possessions are mine now, remember?" cackled Master Hand, holding up a contract.

"But that contract isn't signed!" observed Lucas.

"What a joke!" laughed Master Hand hysterically, trying to hide the contract as quickly as he could. "Ha, ha, ha! I'm such a joker!"

"Fine," sighed Lucas, slightly downcast. "May I then chop a tree myself?"

"Why, certainly!" said Master Hand in a quaint voice, handing over a chainsaw to Lucas. "Now, chop, chop! We wouldn't want to keep the investors waiting, would we?"

"No, sir! Not at all! Of course not!" said Lucas, shaking his head.

He scurried away.

**Task Three**

"Hey Lucas, what are you doing?" said Yoshi cheerily, as Lucas darted back and forth searching frantically for a large tree, out of which he could carve a table.

"Why, I am darting back and forth frantically in search of a large tree which I could carve a table out of!" responded Lucas, as back and forth he darted in his search for a carving-a-table-suitable tree of large size.

"Yes, yes, I could see that by the author's description of your actions!" responded Yoshi.

"Ha, ha," they both laughed, chortling, chuckling heartily at this most amusing sight.

"I cannot search for trees with one hand only," declared Lucas, the chainsaw running in one hand, "So therefore I need somebody to help me search for trees with _two hands!_"

"Ah, you mean you want me to hold your chainsaw for you?" said Yoshi understandingly.

"Yes!" said Lucas, passing the chainsaw blade-first towards Yoshi.

"Be careful!" said Yoshi, the rapidly rotating blades looming threateningly.

"Don't worry!" said Lucas, "I no longer fear trees ever since the shock therapy when I was eight!"

"No, I mean the chainsaw!" said Yoshi, as the chainsaw drew ever-closer to him. "I don't think it's safe for you to pass it to me without _looking at what you are doing_!"

"Nonsense!" scoffed Lucas, "I am quite well-versed in the art of passing chainsaws blade-first towards green lizards without looking!"

"I don't know," said Yoshi, the buzzing of the chainsaw now a mere hair's-breadth from his eyes. "It seems pretty dangerous… and I'm a dinosaur!"

"Oh," said Lucas, "is that so? Well, fear not! For not only am I quite well-versed in the art of passing chainsaws blade-first towards green lizards without looking, but I am also skilled in giving _green_ dinosaurs moving chainsaws when…"

Yoshi's spleen hit Lucas in the side of the head.

"Hmm, that's funny," said Lucas, confused, blood and organ debris splattering onto his already blood-stained shirt. "…usually when they take the chainsaw… organs don't randomly fly everywhere…"

Lucas gasped. "Oh, why, Yoshi! You appear to have been quite badly mangled by that chainsaw! But I'm sure that with some quick medical aid, you should…"

Yoshi was dead.

"Oh," said Lucas, feeling a little guilty.

A thought struck him!

"Oh, no!" said Lucas. "What would my lifelong idol, Marth, think of the heinous act I've just committed?"

Lucas looked closely at Yoshi's remains, Marth gutting Mario alive several metres behind him.

"Oh!" said Lucas. "What's that inside of Yoshi's body?"

He reached in with a hand, fished around, and pulled out something dripping with blood.

Lucas gasped. "Why, it's a full-sized table! Made of precious mahogany wood! And it even has a set of complementary chairs attached!"

Lucas wiped the pool of blood off the table with his handkerchief.

"Ah, you've found a table!" said Master Hand in a jolly voice, arriving.

"Yes, sir! I have, sir!" said Lucas happily.

"Why is Yoshi dead, young Larry?" said Master Hand.

"I killed him!" replied Lucas.

"Ah," said Master Hand.

…

"And I suppose the table inside his stomach was probably the reason for his constant complaints about indigestion!" said Lucas in a jolly manner.

"Yes Larry, yes!" chuckled Master Hand. "I knew he looked a lot like a table when I saw him…"

"Yes, yes, due to him swallowing a table," chuckled Lucas.

"Yes, yes," said Master Hand.

"Maybe you should… …get Yoshi's bloody remains off the table…" suggest Lucas. "Because you know, businessmen… don't like… blood?"

"**I DO NOT TAKE SUGGESTIONS FROM INFERIOR PEOPLE!**" shouted Master Hand.

"Just saying," said Lucas.

__

* * *

__

Ha, ha, ha, what a jolly fellow that Lucas is! Why, I think there will be many misadventures to come!

If you hated this chapter, it was because Tiki wrote most of it. If you liked it why I wrote it! I wrote it!

Review, and give your suggestions for tasks Lucas must undertake in order to become a smasher!


	4. Lucas goes to the dentist!

"How was your business meeting, dear Master Hand?" said Lucas in his atypical Welsh accent. "Did you manage to settle any contracts, sponsorships or business deals?"

"No! In fact I didn't! Creep!" said Master Hand angrily, wiping the blood off his… …fingers.

"Though, on a lighter note," said Master Hand, forcibly laughing at his own joke, "I did fulfil some _other_ types of contracts!"

Master Hand chuckled heartily, and then brushed some of the remaining fragments of human skin on his… …fingers onto the ground.

"Ooh, what kind of contracts?" said Lucas, oblivious to the fact that the contracts Master Hand was referring to were indeed contract killing!

"I'll tell you when you're a bit older," said Master Hand, wiping more skin off his body.

"Oh! But I want to be part of one of your contracts!" begged Lucas.

"Really?" said Master Hand, "Because I do seem to remember you fulfilling one of my many contracts before!"

Lucas stared blankly at Master Hand.

"When you killed those people in that Chinese restaurant!" said Master Hand angrily, "Contract killings, idiot!"

"Ah!" said Lucas, coming to a realisation, "…so you want me to do some contract killing?"

"Yes!" said Master Hand angrily, "…but what I was saying was the point of the meeting was to finish up some _contracts_!"

"Ah," said Lucas, thrusting his fist in a jolly manner.

Master Hand wiped more flesh and organs off his body.

"You mean like _business_ contracts?" said Lucas innocently.

"I_**killed**_ them, okay?" said Master Hand angrily.

"You did kill them?" said Lucas.

"Yes! I did!" said Master Hand angrily.

"Are you sure of that fact? Are you certain you indeed did kill them?" said Lucas.

"Yes! I am!" said Master Hand angrily.

"Are you very sure? Positive? Are you not lying to me?" said Lucas.

"Yes!" said Master Hand angrily.

"So can I ask you one more time, _**did**_ you kill those people in that meeting, in that when you were referring to contracts you were indeed referring to contract killings, which as a result of the meeting ended up in their deaths due to a client signing a contract with you for them to be killed?" asked Lucas.

"Do I have to make it _**any**_ clearer to you?" said Master Hand angrily. "I definitely-"

A policewoman walked by.

"…did not kill those people!" said Master Hand nervously, sweating on three fingers, trembling on two, "I have no idea what you are talking about, you crazy imaginative child!"

The policewoman smiled, and then walked past.

"So you_**didn't**_ kill those people?" said Lucas angrily, "You were just trying to _trick me_?"

"But I did kill them!" said Master Hand angrily, "Indeed it was so that in that meeting I was killing people through a contract killing!"

"So you_**did**_ kill those people? Is this definitely going to be your final answer? You did kill them?" said Lucas angrily.

"YES!" screamed Master Hand, bezerk.

The policewoman walked back.

"I KILLED THEM WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS!" screamed Master Hand hysterically, "I TOOK THEM ONE BY ONE AND DISLODGED THEIR HEADS FROM THEIR BODIES, CAUSING A LARGE STREAM OF BLOOD TO GUSH OUT FROM THEIR HEADLESS BODY! I THEN, CACKLING MANICALLY BECAUSE I AM A SOCIAL PSYCHOPATH, WADED IN THE BLOOD SINGING NURSERY RHYMES IN AN ATYPICALLY HAPPY MANNER! SOME OF THOSE SONGS INCLUDED: JACK AND JILL, HUMPTY DUMPTY, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY, SHE HASN'T GONE AWAY FOREVER, SHE'S JUST ON VACATION… …FOREVER, JACK AND JILL-"

The policewoman stared at Master Hand in shock, taking out her handcuffs nervously.

"**AND I'M GOING TO DEMONSTRATE HOW I DID IT!**" screamed Master Hand, picking up the policewoman and decapitating her on the spot.

Her body lay there. Master Hand waded in the blood and began to sing in a sweet, gentle voice, "_Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pair of water, Jill fell down and broke his crown and Jack came-_"

"But it was Jill that came tumbling after!" screamed Lucas, starting to hyperventilate.

"OKAY! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO THE DENTIST!" screamed Master Hand, infuriated.

"But I love the dentist!" said Lucas in a gay manner, "Will this count as a task?"

"YES, BECAUSE I'LL TAKE OUT **ALL OF YOUR TEETH!**" screamed Master Hand.

**Task Four**

"Okay, remove all of his teeth," said Master Hand to the dentist.

"Will do," said the dentist, receiving several hundred-dollar bills from Master Hand.

"At least I won't have any cavities afterwards!" said Lucas happily.

"THEN MAKE ALL OF HIS TEETH HAVE CAVITIES!" screamed Master Hand hysterically.

Lucas gasped and shouted, "I guess this just has to be one of the tough things to do in order to become a Smasher!"

"Mwahahahaha!" cackled Master Hand, "…you will feel immense pain!"

"Noooooooooo!" screamed Lucas, chocolate and fairy floss being shoved into his mouth.

"Mwahahahaha!" cackled Master Hand.

"I hate you!" cried Lucas, munching on one of twelve variously-coloured gobstoppers that were placed in his mouth. "This is inhumane! Torture!"

"Fine!" screamed Master Hand, punching Lucas in the face, causing him to lose all of his teeth.

…

"Well I guess I feel dandy fine then!" said Lucas.

"Shall we dance to some vaudevillian music?" asked Master Hand.

"Yes!" said Lucas in a jolly manner.

They danced, and foxtrotted and jived and whatnot.

* * *

I'm sorry for your displeasure during reading this story. Have this outdated Huckleberry Finn made-for-TV-adaptation rental as compensation!

Review, and give your suggestions for tasks Lucas must undertake in order to become a smasher!


End file.
